| Fight On |
[11 May 2006|04:53pm] |
i thought that my last entry was going to be my last, but after re-reading it, i decided to close my livejournal on a happier, and more final, note.
first of all, back in september, i was pretty much a complete wreck. i never thought i would make it through the year without chris. i got carried away with food, razors, and tears. but look at me now, its may, i'm done with my ap tests, he is coming home in a week, come june 17th i will never have to think about beach cities dance again, i'm graduating in a month, the last issue of la vista is coming out and my name is going to be under USC...
i'm not going to be angry anymore. i'm finishing the "best" four years of my life to go on to the "other best" four years of my life.
i am so ready. it's about time.
you live and you learn,
katie
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| you're still so far away |
[05 Sep 2005|10:54pm] |
WeeColligan (10:48:54 PM): katie
WeeColligan (10:48:57 PM): i'm in love with you
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| my mother is a fish |
[15 May 2005|10:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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reading -as i lay dying |
] |
its weird to think of all the different friends i have. and which ones are true friends or not. this weekend was really really fun. probably because i hung out with different people. friday after school i had rehearsal with beach cities people and chicago people. and then i went to moore's with lily and corinna. (i spent $99 dollars......ha. two leotards, tights, new ballet shoes, and a totally awesome dance belt from the 80s). saturday morning i had rehearsal again, this time at o'donnell hall, and afterwards a bunch of us went to CPK for lunch. i paid for eric's food, which was fun. eric is awesome. then kala, corinna, lindsay and i went to get our eyebrows done. there was a really awesome massage chair that felt really good. and it was only 8 bucks for everything. oh yeah, lindsay is really awesome too. then we got ready at lily's house and then we had our show! it was sooo much fun. thanks to all of my friends who DID come. it meant a lot. i dont really know what everyone else was doing, but i guess it doesnt matter because they don't care about or support what i spend all my free time doing. oh wait, just kidding, i know what they were doing. i mean id totally pick alcohol or boyfriends or parties over supporting my friends dance show any day!
anyway, the rest of the night was fun, especially sleeping over at lily's house afterwards and watching mean girls. (does that movie get old?) we had to wake up early today to go to our car wash....but that was fun too, haha. oh boy.
then today i went to two bbq's. that was AWESOME. i love bassem. 1) because he played in the orchestra for chicago and at our show last night. 2)because hes a really really really good bbqer. we went to meadows and all just fucked around and caitlin took funny pictures of my butt. then i went to erins for another bbq. and that was fun too, especially reminiscing about old times and having awkward moments with nick's friends. oh yeah, and food is good.
now its 1030 and im trying to do my english homework.
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| i can't take it |
[30 Apr 2005|04:10pm] |
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mood |
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 worried |
] |
five days. only five fucking days. life better get more bearable after this. i'm scared to think about what i might do if it doesn't
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| where are we going? |
[04 Apr 2005|03:15pm] |
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mood |
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i have no idea |
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music |
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bright eyes |
] |
were going to a party.
it's a birthday party.
a birthday party in france!
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| you may say i'm a dreamer |
[03 Apr 2005|07:42pm] |
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mood |
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distressed |
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music |
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imagine- john lennon |
] |
i can't stand it anymore. i'm tired of being in the red group and im tired of doing flaps and im tired of swaying for an entire dance until the last eight count. im tired of this stupid "seniority" shit because im 16...well, 17 fucking years old and im graduating next year. but its cool that i still dance with the 4th graders. at least to anna. i wish she would just tell me that im horrible. tell me that im a bad dancer. tell me that there is no point to me being on company if im not even going to get to dance the kind of dance i want to be dancing. i know im not bad. i can't be. i've been doing this, and putting up with her for five years now. so i dont get it. i dont fucking get it. every sunday i come home feeling like absolute shit. like the gum on the bottom someone's shoe. its embarrassing and stupid and lame and annoying and i cry which makes it even worse. Imagine is the most amazing dance ever. and i face the back and sway for the entire thing. all i ever wanted to do was to be able to dance and be pretty and move with the music. especially imagine. its so moving and when i saw them do the number the first time i might have cried. i cant even explain this i dont know why im trying to get it out. i just had to. no one could possibly understand, not even lindsay because her storys different and shes still a freshman. kala even told me that i know what im doing during class in tap, and ive been working my butt of for fever. this is so dumb. i hate it. i hate it. ALL I EVER WANTED TO DO WAS DANCE.
and im fucking sick of tap. my feet hurt.
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| yeah...again |
[15 Feb 2005|11:02pm] |
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my eyes turn a really pretty shade of green after crying.
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| if only it were true |
[13 Feb 2005|11:56am] |
And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy
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| what is that sound |
[13 Feb 2005|12:31am] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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music |
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lamb |
] |
i went to kennas birthday party tonight. i felt really out of place....sort of. i mean i used to be a part of the drama crowd but i guess its just not really me. but then again i dont really know what "me" is yet. i came home early and watched love actually by myself. i was sad and happy and sad again. i liked the movie a lot though, except my dad walked upstairs when naked people were having sex.
im glad that sanne and i share all this good music with eachother and that sam is going to burn me her bright eyes cds.
im still sad though. for really no reason at all. help.
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| i miss her |
[08 Feb 2005|10:31pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
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music |
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sixteen - le tigre |
] |
i'm starting to believe that there might really be something wrong with me. i dont want to cry for no reason anymore. i dont want to turn on the radio when im driving home from dance and burst into tears when an only slightly decent linkin park/jay z remix song comes on. what is that? have i become so completely absorbed in my self-interest that ive lost all grasp of the reality i once came from? the one where i didnt compare myself to you. oh wait, that reality never was. i actually broke down and talked to my mom last night about it. she suggested that maybe i talk to a counselor or someone. me? talk to a counselor? how can they possibly know what this feels like? what happened to the optimistic cheerful happy and oh so friendly katie i once knew?
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| so catch me if i fall to the ground |
[26 Jan 2005|10:48pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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rocking horse winner |
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i want so badly to be so many things. i want to write. i want my words to flow out with ease and certainty. i want to show you i can dance. i want to get lost in a world of rhythm and dance like no one is watching. but i want them to watch. i want to be the person that you call when you're happy. and i want to be the person you call when you're sad. i want to surf. i want to spend all day in the ocean, away from her and away from him and away from myself. i want time to read good books that arent required for english class. i want to lose myself in a story where i'm not the one whos telling it. i want innocence. but i want experience. i want to love. and i want to live.
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| i blame this town, this job, these friends, the truth is its myself |
[23 Jan 2005|02:17pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
] |
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music |
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modest mouse |
] |
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that i'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself
make me get a B in ap us. make me make me make me.
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